Ego is the Enemy

Ego is the Enemy by Ryan Holiday (also the author of The Daily Stoic), recommended by a close family friend, provides a healthy reminder every leader needs to hear:

You can’t reach, motivate, or lead people if you don’t recognize and control your ego.

As Holiday prefaces, though, ego is precisely what “makes us so promising as thinkers, doers, creatives, and entrepreneurs” and drives us to the top of our fields and, often, into leadership positions.

After all, for people with ambitions, talents, drives, and potential to fulfill, ego comes with the territory.

But, you also become vulnerable to what Holiday describes as a “darker side of the psyche.”

This is where ego stands in the way of you having a direct and honest connection to the world around you, and prevents you from being the leader, friend, or human you want to be now and hope to grow into.

In other words, Holiday suggests that ego is the enemy of “what you want and of what you have” - be it mastering a craft, creative insight, building loyalty and support, or repeating and retaining success.

Similarly, Steve Magness, author of Do Hard Things, would agree with Holiday that ego does many good things for us, but can be damaging if overused.

He discusses that it’s easy for us to walk around with a story (ego) in our head that we are a “good, decent, and competent person” - when in reality we may fall short on those qualities.

This bravado can be an especially easy trap to fall into as a leader - thinking you can do little wrong, have all the answers, and lead people in the perfect way even when reality may not reflect so.

For example, you may think someone appreciates in-the-moment, un-sugarcoated, and direct feedback from you on an idea or presentation.

In reality, they are more receptive to it in a controlled environment, like a scheduled 1:1 with time to reflect and give themself feedback first.

Your ego could have blinded you to this more effective way to manage this individual, especially if you’re used to being direct and is what helped you succeed up to this point in your career.

To be fair, though, it takes time as a leader to fully understand and uncover how to best lead people and ego is not always in the way.

Again, you likely ended up in that leadership position for a reason - ego helped drive you to work harder, iterate, and evolve as once an individual contributor and is likely what still makes you a great leader.

But, as we learn throughout Ego is the Enemy and in Do Hard Things, when you become a leader you should still temper your ego, not feed into it further.

When you temper or “quiet your ego,” as Magness offers, you start to become:

1) keenly aware of your strengths and weaknesses;

2) more open and receptive to others and their ideas;

3) able to zoom out, gain perspective, and return with impactful paths forward.

As a leader with a “quiet ego,” you lean into criticism - not dismiss it, you introspect and recognize how your actions impact others - not hide behind your title, and you exude confidence that inspires - not towers and silences.

In other words, as Holiday shares, you’re left with what is real - humility vs. loudness, modesty vs. bravado, and action vs. aspiration.

So, how can we temper our egos to start reaching, motivating, and leading people more effectively?

Lots of ways, too many to discuss all in just one newsletter post.

But, what resonated with me the most from Holiday and Magness is that we have to acknowledge the sheer existence of our ego in the first place.

Not many of us, and maybe I am just speaking to my experience, have thought about the relationship between ego and leadership.

Identify and recognize your ego, and think deeply about what it may be blinding you from.

In a more direct sense, check yourself:

How might my ego be impacting others?

What would I change or do differently as a result?

Which of my insecurities could actually be standing my ego up?

Over the past month since reading Ego is the Enemy I’ve begun to stare my ego in the eyes and ruminate on the questions above.

I’ve walked away with two findings so far:

1) I’ve been so used to knowing almost everything, being the “go-to-guy”. As such, my ego has been feeding me the idea that I must and need to know all the answers (also an insecurity of mine), and, as such, I’ve caught myself only sharing what I know and not pointing my teams to better sources.

Lesson? Be comfortable with not knowing, and actively call out to my team when I may, in fact, not be the source of truth - then recommend alternatives or go search for the best answer in others.

2) As much as I do coach, lead, and teach others well, I can’t forget that I too need to keep learning - be coached, lead, and taught.

It’s easy to put learning aside as a leader, but funnily enough, Holiday recalls Isocrates’ letter to Demonicus (seen in Volume 1 of Isocrates) on the importance of learning, and relating how being a life-long learner tempers ego.

Lesson? Always Be Learning (ABL). The best thing I can have is good judgement, and taking what Isocrates told Demonicus: I need to constantly train my intellect to better serve my teams while also learning from them as much as and if not more than I teach them.

So, take a moment to reflect on and call out your ego.

See what you learn and take action.

Remind yourself that a “quiet ego” inspires more than a loud one.