Conversation is easy, connection is harder

Earlier in the year I read David Brooks’ “How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Deeply and Being Deeply Seen”.

Brooks teaches us, as I discuss in this Leaders’ Book Club post, a good conversation is an act of joint exploration with no desired outcome other than to see each other and feel seen.  

In other words, to delve into and learn how a person ticks you must start with conversation, and good conversations give you the chance to maximize the impact you make on those in your life.

While Brooks gives us a few strategies on how to have better conversations, I was curious to know how else we can strengthen our leadership muscles through communication.

Fortunately, one of my favorite authors, Charles Duhigg, who wrote “The Power of Habit”, recently published “Supercommunicators” - which explores what makes the best communicators in the world, the best.

To start, Duhigg tells the story of the famous CIA foreign agent recruiter, Jim Lawler.

He once was almost fired from the CIA for underperformance but is now touted as the most effective converter of foreign diplomats into US spies in history.

Jim is what Duhigg deems a “Supercommunicator” - but why? What made him so effective at convincing foreign diplomats to do something so risky?

Before I answer, take a moment to define supercommunicator yourself.

Then, think of someone you know that could be one.

Chances are the supercommunicator you are thinking of is easy to talk to, gets along with anyone, and reads any room well.

Perhaps they are your “go-to” person to get advice from or just be a sounding board - almost always you “click” with them, even if at the surface you had nothing in common.

Or, taking a page from David Brooks, you always feel seen and heard by this person, leaving you feeling smarter, more positive, or lighter, and with a sense of connection.

Supercommunicators are often all of or any combination of the above.

They could be a parent, sibling, boss, partner, friend, co-worker, or teacher.

Heck, they may be someone you meet in line at your local coffee shop or after stepping into an elevator. Maybe they are CIA agent, too.

Anyone can be a supercommunicator.

As such, Duhigg admits there isn’t an encompassing definition or persona of a supercommunicator that you’d find in the Webster dictionary or on Google.

But, in an attempt to rationalize the term, he agrees with Brooks and shares that supercommunicators, above all else, find ways to connect.

Duhigg suggests this connection is based in and comes from what is called the Matching Principle - where two people align neurologically because they have matched the kind of conversation they are having with each other.

The science is that our minds function differently during distinct types of discussions and that various neural networks and brain structures become active.

Simplifying greatly, when we match with one another during conversation, so do our brains.

With this in mind (no pun intended), Duhigg suggests that there are three kinds of conversations that supercommunicators subconsciously recognize and match, and that they adopt different mindsets (literally) for each kind of conversation:

The Three Kinds of Conversation:

1) What’s this about? conversation, driven by logic and problem solving - practical decision-making mindset

In the What’s this about? kind of conversation, you take on more of a logical, “this or that” dialogue, while also trying to figure out what else the discussion is really about.

An example is when you’re talking with an underperforming employee about what to do to turn things around…there’s logic in the conversation but also critical thinking about what else may be at play and what to do to solve for the issue.

In other words, you’re in “solution” mode.

2) How do we feel? conversation, driven by emotions - emotional mindset

On the other hand, the How do we feel? conversation requires an emotional mindset, where the conversation is shaped by, you guessed it, your emotions (but also your memories and beliefs). Think of Joy, Anger, Fear, Disgust, and Sadness characters from the movie Inside Out as what dominate during this kind of conversation.

During a How do we feel? conversation we typically will connect with our counterpart not by taking on a What’s this about?, practical decision-making mindset, rather by matching with an emotional one through your response and tone.

For instance, have you ever had someone give you solutions to solve your problem(s) before matching you emotionally and letting you vent?

Odds are you didn’t “click” with that person during that conversation or accept their ideas. You needed to have a validating emotional conversation first before going into solution-mode.

3) Who are we? conversation, influenced or driven by identity - social mindset

Lastly, the Who are we? conversation appears when we’re expressing an opinion on something, discussing an experience or perspective, or when giving advice.

In fact, 70% of the time, per Duhigg, we’re having a Who are we? kind of conversation that constantly reflects our personal identities.

Your identity is first formed by your childhood, parents and family members’ identities, and where/how you grew up, but more so by your lived experiences up to this point in your life.

As such, our identity shapes how we listen but also what we say, and explains the “why” behind most of our responses, opinions, thoughts, etc.

Therefore, recognizing when you or your counterpart’s identity is driving the conversation helps you decide how to match them and best communicate.

Interestingly, these three kinds of conversation are not mutually exclusive, rather they are still incredibly connected.

In one discussion you may flow between all three - in other words, you can have multiple kinds of conversations within one dialogue with someone.

For example, say a co-worker or someone on your team came to you with a problem they are extremely frustrated about - you can see the steam coming from their ears.

Likely the kind of conversation they are looking to have at first is a How do we feel? conversation, so you match them emotionally - you connect.

Then, after some venting, you may notice they are starting to look for solutions, and perhaps you even ask them if that’s the case. If so, the What’s this about? conversation begins - you continue to match and connect.

Maybe then, as you discuss solutions, you start to recognize that the problem they are dealing with is really about a difference in how they view how their co-worker should have treated a customer - in comes the Who are we? conversation and social mindset, where you recognize that the real conversation is now about a difference in experience (and identity).

But, again, you may oscillate from one kind of conversation and mindset to the next.

If you recognize, though, what kind of conversation is happening and match accordingly, you’re bound to adjust your responses, tone, and body language to connect more strongly.

You may even better understand what types of questions to ask. When to stop talking or speak up, or what actions to take.

Looking back to Jim Lawler, the reason why he saw so much success in converting even the most apprehensive diplomats to US spies is because he could connect so well with them by being aware enough of the kinds conversation he needed to have and when to pivot (and match again).

Strictly speaking, Jim built trust.

He would use conversation to connect with people, despite cultural differences, levels of apprehension, or risk.  

This sense of connection is exactly what we, as leaders, need to emulate so that we continue to build and keep trust across our relationships.

Just like Brené Brown shares in “Dare to Lead”, “if we want people to fully show up, unarmored, we have to create a culture where people feel safe, seen, heard, and respected,” and this culture starts with you building connection with them.

Or, in other words, as Amy Edmundson would say based on her book “The Fearless Organization”, fostering connection builds a sense of psychological safety that unlocks actions (and outcomes) that otherwise wouldn’t have occurred.  

So, by simply taking a second to recognize what kind of conversation you’re having with someone will allow you to naturally build trust with them - inevitably allowing you to lead in the ways you hope while also producing the results you want.

What I’m not suggesting is we apply a CIA foreign-agent-convertor mindset to every interaction we have with people.

Rather, practice active listening, acute self awareness, and savviness in how you have discussions.

Recognize if you’re having a What is this about? or How do we feel? or Who are we? conversation in the moment and match accordingly.

If we’re learned anything, conversation is easy, but connection is harder to come by.

But, what inevitably sets good leaders apart from great ones is the difference in the trust they build with their teams, rooted in the quality of their conversations.